Friday, 2 January 2009

All I want

In the late afternoon, I rose again, still I had no appetite for food but drank heavily, noting that I had not needed to avail myself of the chamber pot or toilet despite the volumes of water I had consumed. I dressed to go out and wrapping a warm scarf around my neck over my jacket I strolled for a while on the top of the palisade wall. My mind dwelt much upon my life, my former life I guess.

There are many types of love, in my native tongue we have less ambiguity in the concept, many words, each with its own subtlety of love. Would all that be lost to me? Would there be only lust? I could feel even then a lust growing in me a burning warmth in my loins, a contrast to the "butterflies" in the stomach we associate with love. What subtleties existed in lust? But what was it that I sought in love, had not Nareth already shown to me that in at least part what I sought was represented as well by lust as by love? The answer came to me as I returned, it was a guilty selfishness, a need for that love to be reciprocal, it was not enough to love, I needed to be loved, to be needed.

I arrived home quite tired out by such relatively minor exercise. Removing my scarf and jacket and filling my water jug, I headed to my room and laying down upon the welcoming sheets fell straight to sleep.

I awoke as night was falling, the house was becoming dark, in my mind I saw the street lamps outside. She was awake, she was coming.

You are near me, why do you come?

There is the sound of a door opening, soft footfalls on the stair

You hurt. I would have come sooner. There has been much work to do.

You hurt me, I do not hurt by my doing alone

The bedroom door opened and closed, gently.

I brought you pain, yes. I know. But I can also ease the pain.

Nareth stood looking at me for a moment.

"It is a small pain, dear.", I looked up acknowledging the lurking presence at the bedside. "It is only your body dying.". I stared at her, a fury burning in me like nothing I had known, she smiled seeing the look of anger on my face and turned towards the chair. "You are still strong."

"no thanks to you,", I spat back, "why Nareth? This whole elaborate deception just to take me?". I rolled my legs off of the bed where I had lain fully clothed, and stood as boldly as I could muster.

"I do the will of my Lady. Only rarely do I fathom her will. You need to be like me. That is all I know."

"You think that I believe that your lady cares or even knows of me, to what end is this murder?"
I staggered back a little, wavering, Nareth's words hitting home, "to be like me".

"Rest assured, my Lady *does* know your name, Mistress. A small part of her is in you now, growing. I would have taken Orchid, but you stopped me." She smiled as if there was a tiny victory in that for her. "This also suits my Lady."

"I have been laid low, once you saw a great good in me, a burning sun. What now?", I swayed as the anger coursed through me.

"You should lie back down, Mistress. You are not that strong. And yes, there is a great good in you, which makes this all the more remarkable.", her smile revealed her amusement it her "prize". She enjoyed the game. I snarled at her, thinking to lunge, but sensing the weakness in my legs chose instead to sit upon the mattress. "I appreciate the anger. You wear it well. It fine.". Nareth sat watching me closely for a time, motionless.

"your condescending words are not welcome Nareth."

"Mistress...It was not intended as condescension. I am sincere. There is great beauty in anger."

"Mistress? this pretence of servitude. You have destroyed me."

"No. I am only remaking you. Soon, when my Lady comes, you will see the difference. She will destroy me. Nothing will remain. It will be as if I never existed. But you...", she closed he eyes for a moment, "These are only birth pains. And you *are* my Mistress.", her voice firm but oddly sweet, a longing and a despite present in her mind that I didn't fully understand.

"yesterday I felt remorse at that, pity, that your were to be gone.".

"And now?"

"and now I wish ....", whether it was the tone of her voice, a calmness spreading through from her mind or something darker within my own. I could not come to see her destroyed, as the anger rose, the pity from the night before, the vulnerability I had seen prevented me from wishing to strike, I held my hand to my head and Nareth cocked her head slightly to listen.

"What is in you, it should be spoken."

"I wish I had never met you.", I stared at the floor, as she laughed softly.

"If wishes were horses...beggars would ride."

"You mock me in my confusion"

"Please, mistress. Lie down. The pain will ease. I will help."

"is this what you came here for?"

"You, or in general?", she replied obliquely. I ignored the question, looking down at the pillows, contemplating rest, a respite from this torment. I won't lie. Your suffering is beautiful to me. As is your anger at the...betrayal, as you name it. But I opened no doors you did not leave unlocked".

"won't lie, can't lie, all lies, damn it, everything is a game to you."

"Yes. The dice are rolling."

I stood once more, throwing more energy into moving, striding purposefully, the few paces to her chair, Nareth's watched me, unmoving.

"Perhaps, if you loosened your corset you would breathe easier?", the suggestion conjured simple carnal images of desire. I reached out grabbing her firmly by the shoulders with all the aggression I could muster, she did not flinch, there was resistance.

"YOU have done this to me, can you not see it is at an end!", I screamed in her face.

"Do you wish to hurt me now?", she smiled up at me.

"I would hurt you, but..ARGH", I snarled, pausing, understanding the smiles.


"It is what you want, everything, anything, it is all for you", I groaned. Nareth looked towards the window.

"No. It is all for the glory of my Lady.", she turned back looking at me once again as my legs buckled and I sat on the floor in front of the chair, almost as I had those few day before with Orchid. Nareth leant forward and started to knead my shoulders. A deliberate echo of Orchid, mocking me once again? It was too late now I was past caring, I was lost at sea and she controlled the very waves and currents that surrounded me.

"It is only pain, Mistress."

"Only pain, only sensation."


"Soon, you will understand more completely.", She pressed her thumbs at the base of my neck and as I relaxed,tension leaving my body I arched my head back to look at the ceiling. "You have spoken with Orchid."

"I have....and I was weak"

"Weak. Tell me..."

"I thought to drive her from me, to save her from your tricks. But I could not."

"No. I have seen to that."

"I do not think she would have gone even if I had tried."

"I spoke with her and Mr. Wirefly. You may know this.", I breathed deeply as I felt Nareth's hands working."

"I know some yes. I know of your deceit, your attempt to take her too."

"Of course, I know that they mean to try to save you, and hope to find a means to destroy me. To take was a fair offer."

"and of the deceit within that too"

"I was only proving a point. Oh, Mistress...this could be so much simpler. I wish you to see the joy."

"They will find a way. They must, I am not you, I cannot be like you". At this Nareth rubbed a little harder.

"They will try. It is not inconceivable that they will succeed.", I shuffled slightly at a discomfort at my hips. " Lady will still triumph.". The jabbing at my hips continued and I reached down, clipping the offending buckle on my skirt, slipping it free and discarding it to one side. I looked back over my shoulder and Nareth smiled softly.

"Mistress, you must see, I am not like Moriarty. I am not some villain from a dime novel. My Lady has devoured worlds."

"And yet you expect me to believe that she knows of me?"

"Yes. All things may pass within her gaze, both great and small, if they serve her ends."

I leant back against Nareth's legs and she spread her knees slightly letting me settle against the chair.

"I would soothe you. If you would allow me.", my eyelids were starting to feel heavy, as the pain was lost in in the emotions that bubbled inside me. I nodded slightly, "Thank you, Mistress" and with that my mind was filled with a soothing darkness."Now, try to relax. Ride the pain.". I let my shoulders drop further, pushing back against her hands, and the cushion of the chair. "Tell me...what do you feel, physically?"

"tiredness, weakness", I murmured.

"Yes...that is how it begins. In my mind the darkness became speckled with millions of stars, cold white points of light that grew very slowly brighter. "Concentrate on the stars, Mistress.". I closed my eyes. Nareth leant forward, sniffing my hair, then kissing me lightly on the top of the head. I gave a slight sigh. "These two things..light and darkness. The void, and that which is not of the void. But Void is our mother. She cradles us all. And we go back to her."

Nareth continued massaging with her left hand, working the knots of muscle delicately, but raised her right to the side of my face, the gloves on Nareth's hand helped dampen her cold touch. I smiled at the sensation of touch along my cheek, my heart beat faster.

"Watch the stars...", then One by one, the stars grew bright, flaring and burning, then flickering out. "No fear. This is only the Nature of all Things. We need never fear again."

"no fear...", I echoed softly.

"There has been so much fear in your life. I am taking all that away.". In my mind the last stars blinked out, only perfect darkness remained. She slipped a finger across my lips and I bit gently, playfully at it. Nareth laughed softly. "yes, Soon, Mistress, you will have such fine, strong teeth."

I arched my back looking up into Nareth's face briefly, stretching out my legs, through her goggles Nareth stared down at me. "Such beauty.", she sighed, slipping off her goggles, feeling safe in the deep darkness of the night, "You will be even more terrible than am I. You will shine.".

"shine like the sun", I murmured contentedly.

Nareth stopped massaging long enough to remove her gloves.

"Yes...brighter than the sun.", I started at the chill touch, then, adjusting to its soothing coolness, relaxed once again. "They will all stand amazed at the sight of you.". I reached down pulling at the laces and kicking off my boots, working my toes into the pile of the carpet, in mimicry of the kneading of Nareth's fingers and the waves of exhilaration that coursed through my body. Nareth sniffed at the air, flaring her nostrils slightly. "Tell me what to do, Mistress. Guide me.". I knew immediately, I had recognised it that very afternoon, the void, the need.".

"Hold me Nareth, make me feel wanted.", I shifted position, lifting myself from the floor and settling into the chair next to Nareth.

"Oh, that is a simple thing. For only one thing in the Cosmos is more desired by me than are you.", came the reply and my heart and mind were as one.

Nareth slipped her arms around me, holding me tight, but without hurting me. The coldness of her touch even through her clothing a contrast to the heat that raged inside me now. I lay back against her, letting her hands move easily across me. Her head dipped down to my ear, whispering

"Beautiful...". She slipped her hand toward the cleft between my thighs. "Exquisite."

"We are beauty", I stuttered, flinching slightly, at the coldness of the approaching hand, then lifted my right leg slightly , parting my thighs, and draping my leg over the arm of the chair. Opening up, yielding.

"Yes. WE are. In a world of ugliness, we shine.", I felt Nareth grind her teeth slightly, looking down across my body. "Then I may enter?". I leant back, pushing my head against Nareth's shoulder raising my face.

"yesss", a sigh, a pleading. Nareth smiled and slipped a finger past my undergarments, and over the secret folds of my motte.

"Oh, I am so filled with echoes of longing." sighed Nareth and then gently, stroking my pubic hair for a moment, she began working her finger inside. I shuddered, a short moan issuing from my mouth, turning my face in towards Nareth. "Cold..yes? But it will not last. Savour that cold while you can feel it.". I writhed slightly at the insertion, clenching muscles around the finger as Nareth slid it deeper, then withdrawing it slowly pressing against my clitoris.

"This is the passion of the Daughters of Lilith.", she whispered, "This is the beginning.", I convulsed as the sensation sent sparks through me.

"yes Nareth", and the she hesitated as I pressed my lips against the cold skin of her beautiful neck.

"Would you see me, in this moment, destroyed?", I stopped, looking up at Nareth, shocked at the sudden cessation, shaking my head, then suddenly Nareth returns working her finger in very deep. I gasp, my heart pounds, I hold that breath releasing it in shudders of ecstasy.

"You are so very thirsty. Water does not help.", Nareth works her finger steadily in and out. I kissed Nareth's neck, working around her throat, across her body until my tongue found the wound. Sensing my intent, Nareth turned her head to the right, easing my access, opening the seething punctures. My mind was awash with blood, the images drove a hunger and desire, no fear. "Drink as deeply and as long as you wish.".

I lay back across Nareth's lap, across her breasts, resting my head against the opposite shoulder now, my tongue probing the incisions, lapping at the dark red stream oozing forth.

"I am your fountain.", Nareth's voice a whisper, a note of excitement and anticipation. She closes her eyes, gasping as she feels herself flowing in to me. A second finger slides in between my legs as I pull her closer, pressing my lips against the wound sucking, working at the edges with my tongue. My body tenses the ecstasy of feeding courses through my veins.

"Bite, if you so desire. Bite as hard as ever you may."

I shook my head, and mouthed "not yet".

Nareth's voice now seemed less like a voice, and more like strands of music and light swirling about them, elements of an orchestra rising to crescendo.

"Very well. Not until you are ready.", I let go with my left hand reaching to my throat or unbutton the high collar, exposing the flash of my throat. Nareth watched my fingers work. "You give yourself to me?"

"you took me", I breathed the words, ragged, hurried, "but now I come" and Nareth began working her fingers more rapidly, in and out....My breathing became ever more shallow and rapid, I shivered with every pulse of my heart.

Without another word, Nareth leant forward and sank her fangs deeply into my throat, finding my jugular. Hot blood, my blood sent gushing into Nareth. Nareth's teeth gripped furiously, and a growl rose from her throat as I shrieked at the pain; but the ecstasy rising within me, keeps me from struggling, my nipples stood hard and erect against the lace of my blouse. As I arched and writhed in the exquisite thrall of simultaneous pleasure and pain there was a struggle in Nareth's projected mind and I felt her fighting her own hunger; a desire to feed deeply on this sweet sweet blood with a greed that would destroy me. Her free hand rose tracing my ribs and cupping my right breast. I begin to feel light headed.

"The blood-dimmed tide...", her voice in my mind

Nareth growled loudly, withdrawing her teeth.

"Enough", she muttered, blood oozing from her mouth. "You are not yet strong.", Nareth's fingers lingered on the button of my clitoris, a surge of sensation passed up from my groin and I felt Nareth's body warming, the heat of my blood.
"Oh, I wish..I wish I could show you now...what you will see so very soon.", she sighs as I lifts my arm behind Nareth's head, pulling her down to kiss her. "The is all so joyous.". She accepts the kiss, the blood in her mouth leaking into mine. I tasted then the warmth of my own blood as my tongue sought into Nareth's mouth, my eyes closed I could see my face through Nareth's eyes, I feel her own excitement, the beauty of her perception, and I feel both sides of the touch and slick wetness as Nareth's fingers work harder, faster, driving me towards orgasm. I kiss harder, my breath quickens to a ragged frenzy as I feel the passion rising in me. Nareth's tongue brushes the roof of my mouth, and it is so rough, that tongue, that draws more blood.

I tensed as my body reached the zenith of its pleasure, wave after wave of shimmering elation cascading through my every fibre. Nareth closed her eyes, pulling free of the kiss, and as she sensed my climax, she sliced the inside of my vagina with a fingernail.

"Ride the pain.", she whispered in my ear. I shuddered and yelped, " me your delight." and Nareth worked her finger faster...I threw back my head groaning and crying with the sensations that held me now in rapture. Nareth licks the drying blood from her own lips, smiling at the sounds coming from her Mistress, whispering, "The sun...and you are brighter.". I pull at Nareth's hair as surge after ecstatic surge passes through me, Nareth does not resist, relishing the pain. "Delight...It comes into your world." and Nareth withdraws her wet I rise, my back arched is a final crescendo and I cradle Nareth's head in her arms, holding it to my chest.

Looking up Nareth licks lightly at my face, cleaning away drips of blood.

"You are wanted. You shall always be wanted.". I nodded as Nareth now cradled me...waiting for the orgasm to subside, and as I lay panting, my breath recovering, Nareth whispers, "It is good you drank. It will ease your pain. And speed the transformation."

"I am refreshed", I smile, my breath still coming in shudders and we both laugh.

"Yes. But, still, you should rest.". I smiled, licking my lips clean. "May I help you to the bed?"

"Sleep, seems like a good idea", I reply, "I'll be OK" and I untangle myself from Nareth and the chair, and stand up. Nareth nods.

"I am strong in you. You have strength from me.", Nareth turns and goes to the window. "Lie down, Mistress. You are light headed."

"are you staying?", I ask.

"I will, if you wish.".

"I would sleep, I do not command you to stay"

"It would see you sleep. To go down to sleep near you.". We lay on the bed facing one another and Nareth stared into my eyes.

"Would that my demon had been half so careful with me.", she smiled. I stared back at her.

"I am glad it was you Nareth", Nareth hesitated a moment, then whispered, "There is something I would show you, that you might better understand me. What I am. But not if you are too weary.", and then she senses in my drooping eyes that I am nearing sleep. Nareth closes her eyes. She does not sigh, but her face looks like someone sighing with great relief.

"Sleep, Mistress. Sleep and grow stronger.", she mutters as I close my eyes and drift off to sleep. The deep restful sleep of the contented and fulfilled.
Seeing this Nareth leant forward, and kissed my eyelids. "Sleep...I will watch over you."

No comments: